checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize