Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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