Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
