Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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