we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
