you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
