So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
