I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
that is very illegal...i love you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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