cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
