if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
