I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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