Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
