Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
