She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
