He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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