I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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