and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
