So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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