I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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