I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
and you fell through a lawn chair
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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