I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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