we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
