That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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