My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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