Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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