man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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