Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
