I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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