I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
