I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
