oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
