I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
