Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
