I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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