My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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