I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
