now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
