Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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