i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
