I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
