wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
