i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
