I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
