I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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