woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
