ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize