it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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