when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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