I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
