Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
