i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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