That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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