She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
