I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
