Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
