OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
