I have demons in me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
