Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
